Cloud Guardian Jalen
by Jalen Kun
Summary: "Jalen, you look down today. What's wrong?" - "...Well, even though you won't believe me, the 9th Vongola Family Boss enlisted me to be the Exchange Cloud Guardian for the Varia. They're an assassination group; completely eccentric. Anyway, they're living in my house for the time being, until they get the reservations right and kidnap me to Italy..." FULL SUMMARY INSIDE. SI/OC


_**Author's Notes: Konnichiwa, minna-san~! This, as you may know, is a remake of my first fic "Katekyo Hitman Jalen." I made that a long time ago, like...a year or two ago (I think. I'm awful with time.), so I'm obviously a lot more experienced as a writer. I want to remake it because Katekyo Hitman Reborn was my first love, and I think it's unfair how I just stopped writing it, especially right after I asked for OC's. I'll definitely still be using the OC's you people gave me back then, and...yeah. I hope you enjoy this remake. Here ya go!**_

* * *

_**Question of the Day: I like getting to know my reviewers and fans, so I usually ask a Question of the Day every chapter. I'm not forcing you to answer or even acknowledge the QOTD, but just know that it's here. Anyway, the Question of the Day today is "If you're one of my readers from the old Katekyo Hitman Jalen, how do you like this new story and what're your expectations? If this is your first time even knowing about this, what, if there are any, are the funniest moments in this chapter?"**_

_**Answer: I can't answer it this time, since I'll basically be spoiling it for you...but I'll usually answer my own questions, too. Y'know, as an example, I guess.**_

* * *

_**Summary: "Jalen, you look down today. What's wrong?" - "...Well, even though you won't believe me, the 9th Vongola Family Boss enlisted me to be the Exchange Cloud Guardian for the Varia. They're an assassination group; completely eccentric. Anyway, they're living in my house for the time being, until they get the reservations right and kidnap me to Italy...and I have a major headache." - "...Would you like to see the nurse?"**_

* * *

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. Not yet, at least. The paperwork for ownership is WAY too much.**_

* * *

**Cloud Guardian Jalen**

_Chapter 1: Shaky Beginnings. Exasperation Level: 100%_

Superbi Squalo was pissed. He was aggravated, _exasperated_, indignant.

Superbi Squalo was, without a doubt, pissed beyond belief. And it all started, as it usually did, because of the Varia Boss himself: Xanxus.

* * *

It was a normal, ordinary day at Varia HQ. The servants were finishing up dinner, the Varia Guardians were seated at their dining table, and last but not least, no one was screaming, arguing, or just being a plain ass.

Everything was peaceful.

"Hey, Trash," Xanxus broke the silence, staring threateningly at Squalo. "I want a Cloud Guardian."

Squalo didn't reply; he just stared right back at the Varia Boss in bewilderment and mild disbelief. The rest of the guardians stayed silent, doing their own little things.

Leviathan silently poured his beloved boss another glass of wine. Lussuria silently gushed at himself in his cute, pink pocket mirror. Fran silently took in the intricate designs of the Varia Kitchen. And Belphegor silently twirled one of his special, man-made knives around, grinning madly.

The servants were finally placing the dishes on the table, the marvelous smells perfectly aligning with the fantastic food.

All was normal. Ordinary. Pea-

**BAM! **

"**VVVVVVVRRRRRRROOOOOOOIIIIIIII!**" Squalo screamed in fury, poking his head from under the table. The wall behind him had a smoking hole in it, and Xanxus' gun had steam slowly flying out the barrel. "**WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SHOOT AT ME, YOU SHITTY BOSS?!**"

Xanxus didn't answer; instead, he began tearing into the freshly cooked piece of steak in front of him. How can he eat and drink only steak and wine everyday and still be fit enough to rule the Varia with an iron fist? The world may never know. Let's just say his metabolism is off-the-charts high.

"I KNOW YOU FUCKING HEARD ME, DAMN BOSS!" Squalo continued, angered by the fact that if he hadn't ducked under the table at the last second, he'd have a bullet in his head. Also by the fact that his freaking boss is blatantly ignoring him after doing something _totally_ uncalled for.

"Hey, Long Haired Captain, could you keep it down? We're trying to have a family meal here," the Varia's Mist Guardian, Fran, mumbled in his emotionless voice.

Before Squalo could yell profanities at the snarky rookie, Levi had to add in his own two cents. "He's right! No one talks to the boss in that fashion; you should be beheaded, shark!"

Before Squalo could curse _him _out, Bel had to add in _his_ two cents. "Ushishishi~ beheading was one of my favorite pastimes."

"...You do know that beheading was popular over one hundred years ago, right? Not only was your family stuck in the Medieval Ages, but you're creepy for enjoying things like that."

"Shut up, _Frog_. You wouldn't want me to lose control of this knife on my finger and behead _you_, now do you?"

"You would have to be the most uncoordinated, **clumsiest** person in the world to accidentally do that," Fran said. "Idiotic Fake Prince."

"**Oops!**"

Cue knife lodged in Fran's hat.

"Ow."

"Sorry~ I'll be more careful next time," Bel apologized, three more silver knives appearing in his hands.

"WOULD YOU TWO _SHUT UP_?!" Squalo complained, banging his fists on the table. "Stupid Prince, you _know_ there's no weapons allowed at the dining table!"

"Long Haired Captain, _please_. We're really trying to have a peaceful family meal," Fran said. No emotion came out of his voice, but the feelings somehow came across perfectly. "If you would just stop yelling, sit back down, and eat your food...I'm sure-"

"**VOOOOIIII!** THIS **ISN'T** A FAMILY MEAL!" Squalo insisted, standing up and stomping in rage. He's not having a childish tantrum...he's just visibly upset. There's a difference. "YOU DON'T FUCKING BRING OUT GUNS AND SHOOT THEM AT A PEACEFUL FAMILY MEAL-"

"What _else_ do you do with them? Eat 'em?"

"-AND YOU DON'T FUCKING TAKE OUT KNIVES AND THROW THEM AT A FAMILY MEAL!"

"Squa-chan, Squa-chan; calm down," Lussuria said soothingly, and the swordsman mentally groaned at the prospect of the the flamboyant man getting into the argument. Lussuria got up from his seat and walked over to Squalo, putting his hand on the raging man's shoulder. "Can't we all just get along? We're family..."

"One: We're not a **damn** family, so I want everyone to stop saying that **damn** word in this **damn** mansion. Two: This isn't a _insertwordhere_ meal, so stop trying to convince me it is. Three: Don't fucking call me Squa-chan, my fucking name is Superbi Squalo. Four: Get your hand off of my shoulder before I cut it off," he paused, closing his eyes...

And swung his giant sword in his boss' direction, opening his eyes and screaming, "**AND DON'T FUCKING SHOOT AT ME AND THEN FUCKING IGNORE ME! IT PISSES ME THE HELL OFF!**"

"Long Haired Cap-"

Cue two knives in Fran's hat.

"Ow," he looked over to Belphegor, who was snickering slightly. "Why are you so violent, Fake Prince?"

"It slipped~"

"Y'know, I'm gonna cut you a deal. Every knife you throw at me disappears, alright?" Fran told him, and as if on cue, the two silver knives lodged in his hat disappeared. "Deal~?"

"Don't act like that'll benefit the both of us, and give me my damn knives back!"

"I can't, Fake Prince-senpai. Who knows where they went?" He disappeared from his seat in a bluish mist and reappeared crouched down in the corner, hands covering his hat. "I just can't handle this type of pressure," he whined.

"Ushishishi~ I'm giving you 'till the count of three to find the Prince's knives," Bel demanded, suddenly right behind the Illusionist and relentlessly kicking him on the head.

"**CAN'T YOU TWO QUIT IT FOR A FUCKING SECOND?!**" Squalo yelled. He turned towards Lussuria. "**AND GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!**"

"Maa~ But your hair is so long and silky and smoo-"

"_**VVVVVRRRROOOOOIIIII!**_"

**BAM!**

**"EVERYONE SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP! I WANT A DAMN CLOUD GUARDIAN AND THAT'S FUCKING FINAL!"**

**BAM!**

**BAM!**

"B-Boss, calm down before the whole ceiling falls apart!" Levi tried to soothe his beloved boss, but Xanxus suddenly, without even giving his Lightning Guardian a glance, placed the point of the gun on his forehead.

**BAM!**

Leviathan was carried by several servants to the Medical Center.

...All was peaceful once again, and Xanxus began eating his second piece of steak. The remaining Varia Guardians all sat back down, beginning to enjoy their food as well.

All was quiet.

"So, um, Boss... What made this come up?" Lussuria gingerly asked. "...About the whole Cloud Guardian thing..."

"You all know the annual Vongola Alliance Meeting will be held in six months at Mafia Land, right? Vongola the 9th is having a tournament being held there, _for fun_, he says, _to keep a stable relationship between the family and with other families,_ he fucking says," Xanxus grunted out, a few scars on his face beginning to show. He was pissed, and the rest of the Varia could tell. "Well, he wants us to participate this time, and it can only be teams of seven. So, he wants us to find a Cloud Guardian and, _use him to our benefit while also becoming good __**FUCKING**__ friends_ - **DAMMIT!**"

He crushed the wine glass in his hands, glaring bloody murder at Squalo, who narrowed his eyes back.

"So..?"

"**So I need you to fucking find a Cloud Guardian and bring him to us by the end of this month!**"

"**VOI?!** THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Find one, or you're **dead**," Xanxus threatened, and he rose from his seat and strutted away. "I'm serious," he added. "If you don't find one by the end of this month, _everyone_ in the Varia will **destroy** you."

And with that he was gone to his room, leaving Squalo trembling in anger and...feeling a cold air wash through the room. He glanced over at his colleagues and saw...

Bel laughing maniacally, sharpening his knives with another.

Lussuria slightly grinning, taking out a small pocket knife hidden in his sunglasses.

And, even though he wasn't there, he could _see_ Levi's ugly face smiling triumphantly.

Squalo had to gulp.

"Ah, you're done for," Fran deadpanned. "Long Haired Captain."

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

"Hiya! My name's Akihiba Kayaba, and I'd love to be your Cloud Guardian! I've always admired and respected the Varia, so this is really a dream come true for me!" He smiled cheerily. "Anyway, I hope we all get along just fine~!"

Xanxus grunted. "You're suitable." He looked over at Squalo. "Take this piece of trash to his room, Trash."

"**VOI!** My name's Superbi Squalo!" Squalo yelled, and then looked over at the new recruit. He had a small ponytail in the back of his head, and his eyes were green in color. "Follow me; I'll be showing you to where you'll be staying for the remainder of your time here."

"Take good care of him, Squa-chan~!" Lussuria gushed, winking at the new Guardian. "I'll be seeing you tonight, honey."

"On his first day here? You're thirsty, Lussuria-senpai."

Squalo and Akihiba tried their hardest to ignore the perverted man and walked away into the hall. They continued on in silence for about two minutes until they finally made it to what looked like a small closet.

"This is the cleaning supplies room," Squalo explained. "Now it is your as you wish with it."

"Does it have a bed?" Akihiba asked, and then he suddenly pinned the long haired man to the wall. He whispered, with a sly smirk on his face, "'Cause I'd like to plow you on it all night long, Squa-_chan_..."

Squalo, realizing at a dangerous pace what he was about to do and how he's misunderstood, quickly screamed, "**VOI!** I'M A-!"

It was too late. Akihiba Kayaba stole Superbi Squalo's lips not even a second after he screamed his last word.

"_**VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIII!**_"

Fran was nonchalantly walking down the hallway when he came upon a peculiar sight. Squalo was redder than the color red, furiously stabbing and stabbing and stabbing what looked like...body remains.

On closer inspection, Fran recognized Akihiba Kayaba as the bodily remains.

He blinked.

"Oooh~ Boss isn't going to be pleased with you killing off the new recruit on his first day," Fran deadpanned. "What happened anyway, Long Haired Captain?"

Squalo ignored him, cursing and stabbing and execrating and piercing the dead body to **dust**.

The Varia Mist Guardian placed a fist on his palm as he said, "Ah, did Akihiba-senpai mistake you for a girl and sexually harass you?" He looked away when Squalo's stabbing instantly stopped. "...I thought he was gonna be defeated by ******-senpai and never seen in or out of _***** *** Online_ aga-"

"What the _HELL_ are you talking about?!" Squalo demanded, suddenly right in front of Fran with his sword in the position to cut him in half. Fran didn't even blink as the sword was coming down at him, just stared impassively with his hands up in mock shock.

Yes, he had to kill Fran. Fran knew. He didn't know how Fran knew, but Fran knew; so Fran was going to have to die.

Just as the sword was centimeters in front of Fran's face, Squalo was having second-thoughts. Not only would Xanxus be very angry that he killed both the new Cloud _and_ Mist Guardian, he would kill _him_ out of pure rage! And if he didn't kill him, Squalo would have to find both a new Cloud Guardian and a new Mist Guardian...and those didn't come easily. Especially the latter.

...

"What's wrong, Long Haired Captain? Is there something on my face?" Fran asked, slightly pushing the tip of the sword away from him. "You could have just told me. You're becoming as diluted as Fake Prince-senpai."

"Shut up," Squalo mumbled, begrudgingly moving the sword away from the Illusionist. "Just shut up and...and clean this mess up."

"Ah? But _you_ did it," Fran whined as Squalo mechanically walked away. He looked back at the pile of dead bodies and frowned. "I just can't take this kind of stress," he whined again.

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

"Konnichiwa. My name is Sakata Gintoki, but you can just call me Gin-san. I like strawberry milk...and one of my talents are sleeping with my eyes open. Sorta. Um...I guess I'd like for us to be friendly with each other...but it doesn't matter as long as I get paid," the silver, naturally curly haired man mumbled, digging in his nose with his pinky. He wiped the booger on Fran's hat. "Anyway, _niiice_ to meet you _aaalll_."

"He's suitable," Xanxus grunted.

Fran blinked. "Where's ****** and Megane-senpai?"

"...Don't question it," Squalo mumbled through clenched teeth. He exhaled...and then announced, "So this will be the new Cloud Guardian. Um...you're gonna need someone _other than me_ to escort you to your room..."

"Ne, Squa-chan, what happened to Kayaba-kun?" Lussuria asked.

"**I killed him.**"

"Why?"

Squalo looked over towards Fran, who gave the long haired swordsman a thumbs up in response.

"Ahem. Anyway, Bel, you escort him to his room."

"Right~" he nodded, lazily getting off the couch and walking over towards Gintoki. "You're gonna be my personal servant from now on, peasant. Shishi~"

"What happened to the last one?"

"I used her as target practice."

"Ah," Gintoki nodded appropriately...before his eyes caught onto something on the Prince's head. "Oi, bro... Why are you wearing a tiara? Actually your hair is too long and kempt for a regular man."

Everyone turned to look at Squalo, who glared daggers.

"You look like a girl...yet you sound like a boy," Gintoki placed a fist on his palm in realization. "Ah! You're a transvestive!"

And those were Sakata Gintoki's last words before his throat was cleanly slit open.

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

"Hello, my name is Haruno Sakura. I love dissecting things and doing science experiments, oh, and I also have a bit of Sun Flames, with Cloud Flames, too, obviously. I hope we can all get along just fine, because it'd really suck for us to hate each other, right?" She smiled. "Now, if any of you have any questions, I'd love to answer them. Oh, and I've also been commended on my Psychological Degree, so if any of you have any problems, just talk to me!"

"Suitable," Xanxus grunted.

"I have a question," Bel said, slightly raising his hand. He grinned. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Idiotic Fake Prince," Fran dismissed, rolling his eyes. "Sakura-senpai is in love with ******-senpai, obviously."

Everyone gave him a sideways glance.

"Anyway, I have something I'd like to talk to you about," Fran said, and he grabbed Sakura's arm and led her towards his room. Everyone just stared on in silence...before going off and doing their own things.

...

"**VROI! **WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE WITH HER, FRAN?!" Squalo screamed/asked, breaking down his door.

"Don't ask me what I'm doing if you're just gonna knock my door down."

Squalo ignored the emotionless voice, searching around the room. His eyes landed on Sakura...who was having convulsions on the ground. His eyes widened in surprise, and then his face grew red in anger.

"**WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER?!**"

"Ah, Sakura-senpai? She told me to tell her all of my problems, so I did."

"**AND **_**THIS**_** HAPPENED?!**"

"Yeah~"

"**DON'T-**" Squalo smashed his head on the nearest wall. "**-FUCKING-**" He smashed it again. "**-ACT-**" And again. "**-LIKE-**" Again. "-**EVERYTHING'S-**" Once more. "**-AAAAAALLLLLLRRRRRIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT!**"

He turned around and rushed Fran, bringing his sword back and slashing him in half!

"Ow." Fran's body fell to the ground. His Varia Boots fell off his feet (somehow) and his feet began to shrivel and curl up...the upper part of his body spazzing out. Not a single speck of blood came out.

Squalo just stared at him dully before turning around and walking away, mumbling "If she doesn't stop that in an hour, dispose of her. Also, fix this door, brat."

"Awww," Fran whined, somehow putting both pieces of his body back together and standing up. "But _you_ broke the door, Long Haired Captain..."

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

"Wassup, y'all. My name's Momoji...I'm, like, a Poverty God. Uhh...my favorite word is _feather_ because, like my humiliation, it's cool...uhh...I like boys who like me for me because, like, I don't want to change for anyone...and I guess my period's are pretty light; I like that a lot. My favorite sexual position is-"

"**VVVRRROOOIII!**" Squalo screamed. "You got the job; you don't need to be telling us that shit..."

Fran crossed his arms, his...rather large...chest...bouncing as he did so. "Are you sure you aren't mistaking the _God of Flat-brokeness_ with the _God of Flat-chestedness?_"

Lussuria gasped. "Fran-chan!"

Momoji's vein popped. "**WHY, YOU-!**"

**BAM! **

Momoji fell to the ground, dead. Blood splattered on the floor, and a line of smoke came from her bleeding forehead. All eyes turned to Xanxus, who nonchalantly put his gun back in his pocket.

"Not suitable."

And he was gone.

Everyone, fine with the boss' decision, began walking away. Only Squalo stayed at Momoji's dead body...and a single tear slid out of his eyes.

"**I'M GONNA DIE!**" He cried, falling on his knees and banging his fist on the floor. "It's no use! I'm gonna die!"

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

The long haired swordsman sat down at the dining table silently, looking down in mourning. The rest of the Varia ignored him, eating their deluxe meals in a weird sense of peace.

All was right with the world.

"..._This_ is how a **family** eats their meals," Fran told his colleagues.

Squalo began to sob uncontrollably.

"Aww... What's wrong, Squa-chan?" Lussuria asked.

"Ushishishi~ The shark's all depressed because every single one of his Cloud Guardians keep on dying."

"How unfortunate."

"It's really a shame."

"It won't be long until we're going to have to kill him."

"We should be nice to him in his last few weeks of life."

Squalo cried louder.

"Hey, Long Haired Captain," Fran called out. "You do know that Sakura-senpai isn't dead, right?"

Squalo instantly looked up, a look of surprise, happiness, and anger mixed together on his face. "**Really?!**"

"Uh-huh," Fran nodded. "She was sleeping on my floor the last time I saw her."

"Urk..."

The Varia all turned their heads to see Haruno Sakura trudging into the rather large kitchen, rubbing her blood-shot red eyes.

"S-Sorry I'm late...I think I had some kind of nightmare..."

Squalo almost jumped for joy. She was _alive_! And she'd stay alive, too, if Squalo had anything to say about it.

"Ohohoho~ Sakura-chan, I've been meaning to talk to you!" The flamboyant man exclaimed, rushing over towards the pink haired girl. "I've got some problems that I really, really need someone to talk about with!"

"A-Ah..?"

Suddenly, Leviathan moved away from his beloved boss and towards Sakura, looking rather embarrassed. "I-I actually...u-um...have something to talk about, t-too..."

Sakura gaped. She looked at the women-wannabe-man who seemed to poop out sparkles...and then at the scary, porcupine-looking man with the ugly duck face...

And then, with exceeding horror, realized that these people were supposed to be professionally trained **killers.** And she had the gall to actually be one of these _psychopaths?!_

Oh, no.

Oh, _noooo_.

"Oh, no," she muttered, swiftly taking out a dagger from her weapons holster. "Oh, no." She stabbed herself once in the torso. "Oh, no. Oh, no." Twice in the stomach. "_Ohnoohnoohnoohno_."

And with quick precision, stabbed herself once in the chest. She giggled, coughing up blood. And then flat out started laughing before rolling to the ground, convulsing madly.

She died laughing.

"Bel-senpai, you have a new doll."

Cue knives in Fran's hat.

The knives disappeared, and Fran looked at his senpai in victory.

"_**NOOOOOOOOOO!**_" Squalo screamed in angst, jumping up and landing right in front of the dead body. "_**OH, GOD, NO! PLEASE! DON'T DIE ON US! GOD, PLEASE! L-LUSSURIA! LUSSURIA, FUCKING SAVE HER BEFORE SHE DIES!**_"

Lussuria was in the corner, crying.

Squalo...snapped. The wires in his brain completely snapped loose...and his face turned redder than fire.

"_**VVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!**_" He turned around and glared at Levi, who flinched under his gaze. "_**IT'S YOUR UGLY ASS FAULT! VROI!**_" He stabbed Leviathan straight through the stomach, watching with insane eyes as he struggled even with a sword in his body. He pulled it out painfully. "_**YOUR FAULT!**_" He stabbed again. And again. And again.

After ten minutes of abusing Levi, who still for some reason would not die, he let the servants take him away to the Medical Room...again.

After that, Squalo felt emptiness in his body. Why did everything go wrong for him? Why did the few people he didn't want to die **ever**...die? It's not fair...it's so unfair...

All he wanted then was to go to his room, curl up in his bed, and wait for the impending death penalty...

"Oi, trash, where the hell is my Cloud Guardian?"

...

What?

"...What..?" Squalo turned around and looked in disbelief at his boss, who just got finished eating. "Huh..?"

"Where. The. Hell. Is. My. Cloud. Guardian? Do you need me to write it out for you?" Xanxus crossed his arms, crossing his legs on the table. "I'm waiting, trash."

He blinked. "You...you can't be serious right now..."

Xanxus brought up his gun. Tears welled up in Squalo's eyes.

"**STOP THE BULL, YOU SHITTY ASS BOSS! YOU JUST WATCHED - I **_**SAW**_** YOU, YOU FUCKING **_**WATCHED**_** - HER KILL HERSELF!**"

Xanxus tiredly pulled the trigger, Squalo managing to avoid the blast of _Sky Flames_ at the last second.

"_**VOOOI!**_** YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO KILL ME!**"

Another shot. Another shot. Another shot.

"_Please_," Squalo whined, being straddled to the floor by Xanxus, his gun placed right between the eyes. An easy kill. "I'll find you another Cloud Guardian...there's still one more on the list The 9th sent us...but I avoided him because he's all the way in the U.S..."

"Then fucking go to the U.S and bring him here..."

"Y-Yes, sir..."

"Oh~ We should all go, boss! I'm sure there are some really hot guys in the U.S!"

"Fine, scum. We'll all go."

"Oh, and if that Cloud Guardian dies, then Long Haired Captain dies, alright, Boss?"

"**VOOOIIII!** SHUT THE HELL UP, BRAT!"

"Fine," Xanxus agreed.

"**NOOOOO!**"

Xanxus got off of Squalo and gave him what looked like a pity-filled sneer before walking to his office. Squalo stomped - remember, not having a tantrum - to his room, considering suicide. Lussuria left soon after, and only Fran and Bel were left in the kitchen.

"We should definitely kill the new recruit, shouldn't we, frog?"

"Yeah!" Fran drawled. "Kill the new recruit~!"

"Ushishishishishi~!"

"Ushishishishishi~!"

"**OI!**"

Cue knives lodged in Fran's arm.

* * *

**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

* * *

The Varia were all now standing in front of a plain, one-story house in the country of Georgia. The house had one garage, no cars in the driveway, and the lawn looked as if it hadn't been cut in months. Which was strange, since all the other houses in the neighborhood looked _better_ and their lawns also looked _better_.

They all just stood there, looking at the house in discontent.

"This is a house for a commoner."

"This person may be as disgusting as Bel-senpai."

"Ah? They don't have a garden..?"

"Boss, let me carry you; you shouldn't have to step on this person's nasty floor."

"Don't touch me, trash."

"**VOOOI!** CAN YOU ALL SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE?!" Squalo screamed, already on the person's porch. The Varia all sighed and begrudgingly trudged up to the front porch, staring at the door in disgust.

They stared...and stared...and stared...and-

Xanxus shot the door down.

The Varia, careful not to be walking into a trap, all peeked inside the house. All they saw in the front room were two couches and a small _expensive_ table in the middle. Also the door to the garage.

And trash. Trash. Was. Everywhere. It was...horrific.

They all came to a mutual agreement and pushed Levi in, considering him the weakest and most expendable. When nothing happened to the dirty man (who was pleased to take one for the boss), they all walked in.

And at that same time, a door in the hallway opened up and out came a boy who looked no older than sixteen. Standing at 5'7ft, he ruffled his unkempt black hair and yawned, his purple-colored eyes opening lazily after he stopped. He wore a purple sweatshirt, blue jeans, and white tennis shoes. Also, a pair of black-rimmed glasses slept on his face.

The Varia stared silently. The boy didn't seem to notice them as he continued walking.

"...Did I wash my hands..?" He suddenly asked himself, staring at his hands. He blinked. "...Did I even flush the toilet..?" He shook his head, yawning. "Whatever... I'm the only one here, anyway..."

And then his eyes landed on the Varia. One grouchy, red eyed man. One man with long, silver hair. One man with puncturings all over his face and a nasty mustache. One man with his golden hair covering his eyes and a tiara on his head. One man with multi-colored hair, sunglasses, and an effeminate lean in his stance. And one man (boy?) with an enormous frog hat and weird green hair.

He stared.

They stared.

He blinked.

They blinked.

And he ran.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" The boy screamed, running back down the hall and into a room, slamming the door behind him. The Varia all gave mixed reactions before following him, Squalo knocking on the door.

"**Voi.** Open up. We have some questions to ask you," Squalo said, knocking faster. There was no answer. "Come on, brat. We don't have all day, and we're not going to hurt you...if you're who I think you are..."

Suddenly, in his hushed tone, they heard the boy speaking in the room.

"P-P-Police...T-There're some weird men...i-in-"

"**VVRRAAII!**" Squalo cut the door down, earning a gasp from the boy who dropped the telephone to the ground. "**WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, KID?! YOU TRYIN' TO GET US ARRESTED?!**"

"Well, if you were his age and you saw six men suddenly appear in your house, what would you do, Long Haired Captain?"

"Shishishi~ The shark would get excited."

"Maa, maa... Squa-chan, you're so naughty~!"

"**VOOOOI! **ALL OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Wh-What do you people want..?" The boy asked, now trying to hide in the corner. Some...how. "A-And can you stop speaking Japanese..? I-I understand a bit of it, but not fully..."

"Oh. Forgot we were in the U.S now," Lussuria mumbled, now speaking in fluent English. The Varia _had_ to learn at least 24 other different languages. They're bad-ass like that. "Anyway, sweetie...my, you're pretty hot..."

The boy turned white pale instantly, shutting his eyes and praying to God that this was some sort of twisted nightmare.

"Pervert," Bel mumbled, before stepping up to the boy and bending down. He swiped out a knife, placing it to the boy's cheek. "Now, kid, do you know anyone here of the name Jalen Brown? Probably your dad, maybe?"

The boy trembled in fear, moving his eyes away from the man's non-visible ones. "A-Ah... I think that's the person next door... Y-Yeah, definitely..."

Bel blinked. Squalo blinked. Lussuria blinked. Fran blinked.

Xanxus took out his gun, pointing it at the boy. He screamed in terror.

"Then there's no need for you, _scum_," he grunted.

"**NO! NO!** I WAS LYING! I _AM_ JALEN BROWN!"

**BAM! **

"I don't like to be lied to, scum," Xanxus said. The wall right beside the boy had a hole in it...and that just made the boy shit bricks. Xanxus clicked the gun and aimed at the boy again. "Die."

"**VOOOIII!** _NOOOO!_" Squalo screamed, jumping in front of Xanxus and shielding the boy from imminent death. "What if he _is_ Jalen?! If you kill him, then I'll die, and I don't fucking want to die!"

"Shishi~ Can I slit his throat, Boss?"

"**VVVRRROOOIII!**" Squalo turned around and swiftly slashed at Bel, who jumped back to avoid the attack. He grabbed the teenager by the collar and led him past the group of assassins.

"...Can I ask you what you need me for?" The teen asked. As long as the loud silver haired man was there, it seemed like his life wasn't in any real danger. That calmed him down a bit. But, something about what these people were wearing gave him a mad headache. He knew he's seen those clothes somewhere, but couldn't quite put a finger to it.

"If you're who you say you are, **and you better be**, then _congratulations_...you're the new Cloud Guardian for the Varia of the Vongola Family," the loud man said sarcastically. "Honestly, I'm shocked that that **damned** 9th gave us a list with a _kid_ who doesn't even know about us! Do you even know what the Vongola is, boy?"

The boy didn't answer his question. His face just hardened considerably.

"Was I the only one on the list?"

"Oh, no. The rest were so incompetent they died on their first day. Well, except that Sakura girl, but she killed herself."

"Ah... I see."

"But don't get all scared, brat. If you get killed, then I get killed, and I don't want to get killed, so you're not going to get killed. Understand?"

Suddenly, the boy elbowed Squalo in the rib. It didn't really _hurt_ (well, kinda), but it surprised Squalo enough that he let go of the kid. And then, with great strength, the boy grabbed Squalo by the hair, raised him up, and then **slammed** Squalo into the washing machine. The hit knocked the swordsman clean unconscious, and his limp body fell in the boy's dirty clothes.

The Varia watched the scene in surprise, and the boy yawned as he looked at the fallen body.

Then, he started to change. He grew taller, his face more mature, and his muscles noticeable. His clothes got a little tight, but with a swift grab and pull of said clothes, he had more loose, comfortable clothes underneath!

He took off his glasses and threw them to the side, glaring daggers at the five remaining members of the Varia.

"I'm Jalen Brown, sixteen years old. Or rather, now I'm twenty six," he smirked. "I told that stupid old man I didn't want to be in Varia, but old men are so hardheaded and self righteous. Whatever. I'm still not gonna be in Varia, and you goons aren't gonna make me." He got in a fighting stance. "**Even if I have to kill you all myself!**"

...

...

...

"...Akihiba-senpai kissed Long Haired Captain."

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**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

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_**Author's Notes: Ah~ Done with the first chapter! I hope you all enjoyed! I hope you all enjoyed so much that you'll follow and favorite...and Reviews are Loved. **_

_**Oh, and I also have a tumblr where I'll be posting things related to this story and other stories. **_

_**Link: Jalenkun . tumblr . com**_

_**Ah…yeah. Bye nii~! **_

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**ヽ****(^****。****^)****ノ**

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**Preview of Next Chapter**

"Aaaaaiiiiiii! My window!" Jalen screamed, jumping out the window and fearfully inspecting it. "You broke it! You really fucking broke my damn window! Do you know how much that'll cost?! Huh?! Do you think money grows on fucking trees?! Huh, _Prince?!_ HUH?!"

He was pissed. He was pissed to the third degree. He was pissed to the fourth power. He. Was. Gonna. Murder. Them.


End file.
